So. The football
season is quickly approaching, and more specifically, the High School Football
Season. Having, for the last four years,
carried the title of Football Mom, I thought it would only be fair to impart
some seasoned wisdom to all you football mom newbies out there. Read and heed.
1.
Throw all
those expectations of what and who your child will be, out the window. When my first-born son, who surely was destined for the debate
team and to be the first chair violinist in the school orchestra, announced
that he just might want to play football, I died a little. When he actually finalized his decision to
play football, and joined the team, I died all the way. And went to hell. Only
by the grace of God and the skin of my teeth did I keep this dying bit from my
son. And let me tell you, it was one of my few shining parenting moments. When you let your kid be who they are, they
will open up to you a whole new world of wonder and joy you never imagined existed. I seriously went from being terrified my son was
morphing in to one of those brainless, bully-type jocks who walk the halls and
grab the Napoleon Dynamites of the school world by the neck and slam them in to
the lockers, dropping them with a loud grunt to counting the hours until it was
time to head off to the real life Friday Night Lights. When his games
invariably rolled in to December (notice the subtle brag? December? Does that
mean he made it to State? And Won? Only all three years!), and it was 40 below
zero with a wind chill, and the 5 and 6 yr old were slightly feverish and
carrying a flu bug, and wailing that they were frozen, the husband or I would
toss them some cash and tell them to go get hot chocolate and tough it out. We
were busy cheering on our boy and his team.
Which brings me to tip #2:
2.
Do not
announce your love for your son at a football game. Although cheering for your son (or daughter -
we did encounter a couple girl football players. Go Title IX!) and his team is
strongly recommended, he will not appreciate hearing “MOMMY LOVES YOU, ALEX
AXLUND!!” I can guarantee you he will make you regret this one. Don’t ask me how I can guarantee that,
though.
3.
If your son gets hurt on the field, you
absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, go out on the field to assist or
comfort him. If you believe with all your heart, that your son wants his
mommy out there, that you two have a special bond, etc., you are just plain
crazy. Or this is your first child. If an ambulance comes flying across the
football field to rescue him, you cannot go on the field. No way. If it appears your son is dead, stay in your
seat. If you disregard this instruction, and he does happen to really be dead, he
will come back to life momentarily to let you know how much he hates you and how
you’ve ruined his life.
(On the flip side, if your teenage-brother-worshipping
younger boys dig up their dad’s junior high bowling trophies - yes, I said
bowling - and come up with the great idea to go down on the field and “present”
them to their football-playing big brother after one of his games, let
them. It is beyond precious, and your
high-schooler can just suck it up and deal. He’ll live through it.
4.
If your
boy does not get as much playing time as you think he deserves, do not call his
coach to complain. This will garner about as much gratefulness from your
boy, as does going on to the football field when he is hurt. Besides, if you do that, you most likely will
not see your son out on the playing field at all for the rest of the season. If your son tells you it’s ok that he doesn’t
get more playing time, because although he is disappointed, he only wants what
is best for the team, and only being consistently 80 points ahead of the
opposing team and still not getting much playing time is somehow what’s best
for the team, don’t tell him he is being brainwashed by this football cult. Don’t remind him that he has shown up early
and stayed late for every single practice for the past four years and he
deserves front and center (if “front and center” is a football term, I am still
not sure). Don’t drive slowly by the coach’s house, just to let him know that
you know where his children live. Life, as we all know, is riddled with
unfairness and disappointments, and what better place to learn this aspect of
life, than in high school.
5.
Learn to
distinguish a football from a baseball, basketball and soccer ball. It is really empowering. Although the rules of the game are so very
complicated, that it makes mastering the Rule Against Perpetuities in law
school look like a piece of cake in comparison, at least try to figure out a
couple of the main objectives of the game.
However, when your family, who is spread out all around the world wants
updates texted to them, just spell out the words that your husband tells you to
text, and don’t ask questions, because updates that say “Alex is on the field!”
or “It’s really cold and windy” or “The coach’s wife just had a baby 3 days
ago, and she already is back to looking hot her skinny jeans. No fair” are not
as helpful as (hang on, let me call my husband and ask him for an example) “Other
team 4th down and 22 -
looking for a safety here.” And before the game starts, look around you to make
sure you are sitting on the right side of the stadium, and that it is other parents
of your team you are sitting by. That
way, when they cheer, you will know it is also OK for you to cheer.
6.
Finally,
never miss a game. Revel in the awesomeness of every minute, knowing that
those high school years pass by at lightning speed, and you can’t expect your
subsequent kids to want to play football.
Accept the fact that they just might want to be on the debate team and
first chair the violin section of their school’s orchestra, and that you really
will live through it. Oh heck, no!
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